(no subject)

[meredithp]

I have little tiny cuts all over my body now. Any little skin tag or old scab or even just a clogged pore can turn into one of these cuts because of how frequently I am scratching all over. During a scratching session I'll realize my fingers are wet, and when I check - sure enough, it's blood, and there's more streaked on my leg (or wherever) because I've been scratching it all up. On a related note, now that winter is coming I need to start being very vigilant about putting moisturizer all over my body every day. My legs and arms are exceptionally dry and all this scratching is just killing my skin. I end up looking like I have dust all over, for pete's sake: it's all dead dry skin that I've scratched off. Thank goodness I have an appointment with an allergist next Thursday, maybe someday they'll solve this. I know it's not likely - it's idiopathic and I have to accept that - but maybe they'll figure it out. If not, it's not likely I'll get much relief because the insurance company isn't willing to pay for as much medication as I need, and I can't just stay on steroids forever. I'm actually a very sick little girl: I have a chronic illness here, and not only can't we find a cause, we can't even relieve my symptoms. Yes, we're working on it, my mother is being a wonderful help and my girlfriend is helping and the doctor is great, but I am miserable for most of my waking hours. I suppose anyone with a chronic or terminal illness wonders "why me" and I'm probably just as upset by that. This is so disrupting to my life, it affects every aspect of my daily existence, and I want to know why I got to be the lucky one to have it. I used to be healthy! (Well, more or less, anyway.) I didn't used to suffer on a daily fucking basis like this. I know I'm not alone, but I seem to be exceptionally lucky among CU sufferers - the longest I could find anyone ever dealing with this was two years. I've had it since February 1999! Fortunately I went into remission for a couple of months last year but this is much longer than even chronic urticaria is supposed to last. I am so jealous of people who have only ever had short bouts of acute urticaria. They can get treatment faster, for one thing - the specialists can't make emergency appointments for me because "this isn't an emergency" which while I understand what they mean is still bullshit. What their acute urticaria patients come in with and suffer for from a week, I have been suffering from the exact same thing every day for more than two and a half years...but I'm not an emergency. Hell, I'm more an emergency than the acute patients, they can just wait it out! And sure, we all have our problems, and I'm lucky I don't have cancer or need something amputated, there are plenty of people worse off than I am - but that doesn't make my suffering any less valid. And I still wonder why me...why, dammit?! Fuck.

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, the International Chronic Urticaria Society has some information.)

Comments

[gomer43.livejournal.com]

Great. As if you needed anything ELSE.

[punkylicious.livejournal.com]

Hey there!

I hope you get some answers from your allergist!

I just came across your page. So hope you don't mind if I add you to my list? :)

[woofiegrrl.livejournal.com]

Are you kidding? Of course not! I've actually made a number of new friends through LiveJournal, I really like how I can keep finding new people. I added you to my list as well, and actually you've got a lot of the same interests I have. I'm surprised nobody else has got Del LaGrace on their lists...have you seen his photo book "The Drag King Book" or whatever it's called? It's really great. A number of the other people on your list could fit on mine as well. I'm glad you sent me a note to let me know you'd added me to the list. :)

[punkylicious.livejournal.com]

Hello! :)

Yes, I have his book.
Also, I have "Love Bites" and I really want to get his latest book, "Sublime Mutations."
Love his work! Hey, and you like scrabble!
I'm so addicted to online scrabble!
Do you have that book, "Nothing But The Girl" by Susie Bright?
Indeed, LiveJournal is so cool how everything is so intertwined and it's so much better than those other diary formats!

[woofiegrrl.livejournal.com]

Neat, where do you play scrabble online? I usually play on LambdaMOO, which has a text-based version...it's easy to use and loads fast and all that :)

I don't have Nothing But The Girl, hadn't heard of it in fact. I have a few other Susie Bright books though...and a whole slew of other dyke-related books, sort of a mini-collection even.